Holidays

I tend to take on more than I can handle.  I mean, I handle it, but not without consequence.  I end up constantly prioritizing, which means writing is way after school and work and dishes and laundry and the hubbs and the list goes on and on.  I stopped piano lessons because with classes starting back up, I knew I had to make a choice.  I still sit at the piano now and then to play a song so I don't forget, but I didn't have the time to commit to it.  Quitting school is out of the question.  First, I'm halfway through the MBA program and second, my daughter is going to learn things from me, like following through, so I have to be that example for her.

My classes are done (an A- and an A, thank-you-very-much), I have a week off of work with the hubbs, and baby will be here so soon I can't believe it.  At 37 weeks I actually don't look that big (I have wide hips, I'm carrying wide apparently) but I feel all of those 37 weeks everywhere.  My joints hurt, my fingers occasionally tingle (oh hey carpal tunnel), my back hurts, I get heartburn and/or nausea every time I eat, I can't bend without feeling like I'm going to vomit, and I get beat up pretty good on the inside.  Mostly my bladder and this one nerve that sends a shooting pain down to my, um, lady parts.  She's a pretty good shot there.  She has also gotten pretty comfy right around my most recent scar from having my gall bladder out, and it doesn't seem to be stretching as well as the rest of me because man, does that ever hurt when she kicks there.  I've had a dream pregnancy so far, and truly this part is no exception.  I know others have it an awful lot worse, and honestly I'm still grateful just to be able to hurt like this.  It would be nice to sleep a little though.  Just a bit.

I got to meet the lactation consultant and tour the hospital.  And I subsequently burst into tears there.  I just couldn't help but think about where I was this time last year, when I wasn't completely sold that I was going to be touring the maternity ward.  Also, hormones.  But it was great, the staff seems wonderful and the rooms aren't too shabby.  I had what is most probably my last day on the road until I come back to work, for which I'm so relieved since being out on your own is a bit nerve wracking so close to due date (for me and my boss! Haha).  And the baby's room is pretty well done.  We refinished a dresser and of course the drawer pulls we chose are currently out of stock, but it's functional and she won't know they aren't there so we're going to stick it out until they come in.  This week, I'll be doing all the things that keep running through my head: packing for the hospital, loading up the car seat, meeting a potential day care provider, figuring out pediatrician, pre-registering at the hospital, and the 15 million other things I'll only remember as I'm knee deep in another project.  I'm looking forward to having this time to "nest".

Unfortunately between the excitement, anxiety, and the horomones, I'm just not feeling very holly jolly this year.  We got a tree up, actually 2 of them, the wreath is on the door, and the stockings were hung with care and all that.  Maybe it's another year of unusually warm temperatures (it's 1230am and it's 43 degrees...Heatmiser, take your nonsense elsewhere), or not really having the funds to go all out on gift giving, but this last Christmas with no kids is kind of a bummer.  Of course, that could very well be the exact issue.  Children bring magic to Christmas.  Yes, it's a lot more work.  I mean, we're really just phoning it in here this year, going through the motions.  The stockings are empty and there is nothing under the tree (we decided no gifts for us this year with baby coming so soon).  We're enjoying the lights of course, but there's something missing.  She's on her way, but I honestly thought we'd enjoy the last Christmas before her a little more.  The reality is that without the magic and wonder, it just feels like work.  I know being a parent at Christmas is no small task either, but getting to see the joy in their little faces must make it all worthwhile.  This year, I'll keep trying to find my spirit, but look out next year.  Next year, Santa is DEFINITELY coming to town 🎄

32 Weeks

Today we are 32 weeks along.  She has hair, all of her organs are in place, all her fingers and toes, she moves like crazy, and her face is still a mystery since she covers it with her hands every time we try to see.  According to the baby apps and emails, her skin is no longer translucent, she can suck her thumb, and she can see light if it comes through my skin.  Which we tested and she does NOT like haha.

We're up to doctor visits every 2 weeks, our next one Monday.  They'll push around, figure out where she is and how she's positioned, she'll move because she does not like to be poked or prodded, and we'll all have a good laugh.

My feet hurt, my ankles are now cankles, my back hurts, I can't find a comfortable sleeping position, I have heartburn anytime I eat anything, my balance is off, I'm a little more emotional than normal, I can't catch my breath, and I have the most bizarre dreams.  Still love every second.

We are nearly finished with her dresser remodel, her room is painted and the crib is put together.  I have to wash her clothes, and pack the hospital bag because this is happening so much sooner than it seems.  I am overwhelmed in the best possible way.  There is so much to do and to consider, but the reality is that as long as she has some clothes (because January is cold), a place to sleep, and my milk comes in, we're good.  We can fill in the rest as we go.  She'll be too young to notice silly things like whether the curtains were hung in time.

The reality is that Momma is still working so hard to make sure she has a good life, and that doesn't leave a lot of time for hanging up pictures.  I did drop piano, for now, because classes started back up again and something had to give.  Work is busy; we are short on staff and not short on work.  Don't worry, I don't overdo it...most days...there is no point in getting stressed because then they'll just put me on bed rest and that will stress me out more!  Classes are tough.  The online program is abbreviated; each course is only half a semester long, but is a full semester of work.  Most of the weekend is typically devoted to schoolwork, as most of the week is devoted to work.  I thought about taking a break from school, but I'm worried if I walk away now, I won't finish.  I'm half way through the MBA program, there are 5 courses left.  And now I'm going to be an example.  So I will finish.  My current course runs through the beginning of December, then I scheduled my next course for the second half of the spring semester, which will begin in March.  That will give me a small break to get settled into a new routine with little one.

We are probably going to spend the holidays this year on baby prep (and homework).  Not that we don't want to see our family, but travel is getting more difficult for me and I don't think I have the energy for entertaining right now.  Also, she's due so close to the holidays, that I'm sure we'll be having plenty of company just after.  So this year, we're just going to enjoy the last year of just us...and the last bit of quiet we'll have around here :)

25 weeks

We're having a diva.

We've had 2 ultrasounds in the last 6ish weeks.  She refuses to debut her beautiful face!  For our 20 week anatomy scan, they were able to confirm that all the parts are there.  They missed out on the face and good scans of the heart, so we went back at 24 weeks.  And again, if her face is coming near the 'camera', she covers it with her arms.  At our 20 week scan, the best photos they could get were of her arms blocking her face and her foot.  At 24, they sent us home with a screen shot of her heart rate.  The ultrasound tech tried for 30 solid minutes before finally saying, "Ok, kid...you win" and throwing in the towel.  But, at least we were able to see her heart better and know that everything seems to be going well.

I met with one of the midwives after the scan.  We had a great chat about being nervous about every little thing, and the why.  For me, it's the fact that we lost our first with no explanation.  We had some extra testing done on the tissue, assuming that we would find a chromosomal defect that would explain the loss and provide closure.  Instead, all of the tests came back normal.  I feel like I never had any real closure.  "It just happens sometimes" and "someone has a plan" aren't justifications that satisfy me.  So I'm left to wonder what I may have done wrong, and I'm afraid that feeling will never go away.  Worrying is truly a mom thing.  I don't know that I'll ever worry quite so much as I am just carrying "Rainbow Baby," but I'm sure she'll give it her best shot to make sure that I do.

Last time, I talked about milestones.  Interestingly enough, almost like she read it (which she definitely did not), the midwife brought up milestones after the 24 week scan.  At 24 weeks, she tells me, the pregnancy is viable.  From here, every day closer to the due date marks a better chance of survival outside the womb.  This was a small relief, as is every milestone, since anything can happen.  There's no question that my body was made to do this.  I have wide hips, those are there for one reason!  So far, the pregnancy has been a dream.  Not only was I built for this, but my body seems to know exactly what to do (even though I most certainly do not!).  I haven't been sick, or had any wacky food issues (aversions or cravings).  Mostly just tired and forgetful.  Only now am I starting to get a bit uncomfortable, although I suspect that is because my "bump" seems to be growing at a much quicker pace.  I'm loving and appreciating every second of it because it was a hard road to get here.

Exactly 3 years ago, the hubbs and I were in Ireland.  This was the end of our baby bucket list.  We had hoped to just get knocked up on the trip, but of course it was not that simple.  Being married isn't easy, if it was people wouldn't separate.  I believe your marriage is what you make it.  In the last 3 years, we have had a lot of moments that make or break a relationship.  Lucky for us, it has made ours.  I don't think there's a secret to it, or any magic.  I think for us, we're just two people that genuinely care about each other and will do whatever is necessary to make it out the other side.  For him, that's meant a lot of comforting, support, and I'm sure a little frustration.  For me, it's meant a lot of self-assessment - to make sure I'm giving him what he needs even when I am not my best.  Best of all, this means we're setting up for a wonderful life with her.

Milestones

There are a lot of milestones in pregnancy, and I have a little party in my head for each one.

First, there was the positive blood test, then the next and the first ultrasound.  Check that off the list, baby is there.

Next, we had to get past the point where we lost the first.  Every day dragged out until we could see and/or hear the heart again and be reassured.  Baby still there, check.

Then there was the subchorionic hemorrhage.  Probably nothing, but watch it.  That cleared up, another check.

Next, an abonormal pap for me...because why not.  Cells came back non cancerous.  I'm ok, check the box.

The hemorrhage cleared to make way for placenta previa.  No big deal until the end, but let's watch it to make sure.  That cleared up, check the box.

Blood test done for gender and chromosomal issues.  It's a girl and she's low risk (less than 1 in 10,000 chance of chromosomal issues).  Check and check.

20 week appointment.  Here's where it starts to really get exciting!  Because she has hands and feet, and organs (that look like little blobs to me, thankfully the ultrasound tech knows her stuff).  Ms. Thing hid her face from the ultrasound, so no good photos to share, sorry.  No good photos of the heart either, so we're back again at the end of the month for another scan.  Hopefully our little diva will have decided to reveal her beautiful little face by then.  She moves around an awful lot, according to what we see in the scans, though I couldn't feel it because my placenta is in the front and cushions the blows.  Limbs and organs are a check.

Last week, I was waiting for my Mexican take out for dinner, and an older man offered me his grandson to "practice".  SOMEONE KNEW I WAS PREGNANT AND NOT JUST FAT!!  And, was confident enough to start a conversation.  I beamed the whole way home.  THIS is one of the milestones I was waiting for, one of my big check marks.  Yes, the medical stuff is important, but I want the full experience. Yes, I want strangers touching my belly and giving unwanted advice that makes me roll my eyes (on the inside, of course).  I want to get kicked in the ribs from the inside.  I want to wake up at 3am craving something ridiculous.  I want the silly maternity t-shirts, like the ones that say "pumpkin smuggler" for fall.  I want it all - the good, the bad, and the gross things no one likes to tell you.

Just when I couldn't been more giddy, this weekend, I finally started to feel her move.  CHECK!!  Now, I can have a little relief that everything is ok.  Well, that and the doppler that they say not to buy, but I needed to have for some peace of mind.  I don't use it every day, and probably won't use it very often now, but before the 20 week scan, we didn't have anything for like a month and a half.  My anxiety was going off the charts!!  She is moving and I can feel it.  How I'm going to keep up with that energy later is another issue entirely, but for now, I'm enjoying the karate practice on my insides.  Because that means she's there and getting ready for this world.  And the world had better prepare itself for her, too.

18 weeks

We're almost half way there.  We're not high risk, so now we're just like everyone else and we only get ultrasounds once every 6ish weeks.  It's been a bit of an adjustment, considering the fertility clinic checks you ALL the time, but regular OB is like 'call us if you're cramping or spotting'.  We had that hemorrhage (just a bit of a blood clot near baby), which cleared on its own (and snagged us an extra ultrasound!) and was promptly replaced by a mild case of placenta previa.  They suspect that it will also correct on its own, well check on it at our 20 week appointment.  More taking it easy, no major lifting, etc.  Normally, the 20 week appointment is the big one, but we have a head start on planning with that extra blood test.  They were able to take a blood sample from me, and check the chromosomes of baby!  We tested low risk for any chromosomal issues (less than 1 in 10,000 chance) and had the option to find out the gender.

I have been so lucky with the pregnancy, no morning sickness or weird food cravings/aversions.  I've been incredibly exhausted, usually in bed by now, and have been getting really awful sinus headaches.  Although, I think the headaches have about as much to do with the weather as anything else.  I've been more careful with what I'm eating, as I binged a bit during the stress of the IVF cycle itself, and so I've only put on a few extra pounds.  I'm starting to show a little, but for now I feel like I'm still not showing quite enough to for an obvious answer to 'pregnant or fat'.  Close, though.  Many people have been on one side of that question, so no one usually asks anyway :)

By the way, I didn't forget.  Just a little bit of suspense...it's a girl <3

13 weeks, 5 days

Our latest ultrasound was yesterday. Baby had its face right in the placenta, so we didn't get a good picture, but everything looked good. Baby measured at 14 weeks, 1 day so growing perfectly, heart rate exactly where it needed to be. The subchorionic hemorrhage is gone so that was a relief, too. But it was replaced with a mild case of placenta previa. Because it can't just be smooth sailing. This means more pelvic rest (aka no fun) and just being cautious with my abdomen in general. No heavy lifting, nothing that would make my uterus contract. The placenta is only slightly blocking the cervix, and it's still early, so it will probably resolve as baby continues to grow. The good news is we get another bonus ultrasound to check on it! Back again in 4ish weeks.

Tomorrow we hit 14 weeks and hope to have our blood test results back soon to find out whether there are chromosomal issues and the gender. Then we can really start to prepare! No morning sickness, just always tired especially with this 90+ degree heat! My energy is totally zapped. My body is changing, I'm still on the fence a little as to whether I'm fat or pregnant, haha, but my belly is definitely growing. I'm already down several shirts and pants, although the scale isn't changing much. This makes me think I'm starting to show a little and I'm so excited!

10 weeks

Today was our first ultrasound at the OB. Now we get to be regular parents-to-be without the extra appointments and tests.  Now we're just a normal pregnant couple.

We're having a baby.

I still am kind of pinching myself. The midwife we saw today described it perfectly: as an infertility patient, you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. A glimmer of hope so often comes with a crushing defeat that you begin to expect it. You begin to guard your heart against the pain. You are scared to get excited. However, not getting excited doesn't mean you're not getting hurt. It means you're missing out on the happy bits altogether.

I've really been working on that this round.  Knowing that I can't control the outcome (comforting, I know), but I can control my attitude. Well, sometimes hah! I've been focusing on enjoying the moment. Let me tell you about the moment I enjoyed today.

The ultrasound was a bit different. They started with an external exam because the baby is getting bigger. And it finally looks like a baby. There's a head. There are limbs. Then we get the internal exam. For the first time, we not only see the heartbeat, we get to hear it too. 178 bpm stong and healthy and perfect. The baby is moving around. Just a few little wiggles, and my heart is melting. Arms moving around, as if waving to us - mom and dad. And silent tears stream down my cheeks as I wait for it, but the shoe? Does. Not. Drop. She switches to 3D and says the little one is not sitting in a very good position for 3D but she will try. And then on the screen, there is a perfect little ear that will no doubt be ignoring my instructions in 3 or so years. The seer little arms that will bear hug Duke (and he will LOVE it) and the legs that will run around the yard with Duchess. To me, this is the best day ever.

I also got the big girl speech. You know, the dreaded BMI conversation. Yes, I know where it is. I'm a little fat, but I'm not stupid. No dieting, but eat well and light exercise. I'll admit, I've been so worried to overdo physical activity that I'm certain I've way underdone it. And I have a habit of eating my feelings. Of which there have been many!

They found a subchorionic hemorrhage (some blood between the uterus and the placenta), which apparently happens and probably won't be a big deal, but I got my special instructions and get another ultrasound in 4 weeks. So, silver lining, it gets us another look at baby ❤ (how do they expect people to wait SO long?!). Of course, I'll be Googling this until my hands cramp and have a whole new set of 'what ifs' to fear, but I'm going to let that be tomorrow's problem. Today, I have a baby growing with a heart beating and little arms waving hello. And we are so in love!

Schrodinger's Baby

This morning was ultrasound #2. First one was great. Everything has been fine. I'm just hungry a lot, and thirsty, too. And tired. I've never actually drank the amount of water I'm supposed to, but now I'm exceeding it and I have to admit my skin looks great. Minus a few breakouts, but that's par for the preggers course I suppose.

This morning I had to get up at 5:30am. This isn't terrible, except when you're already tired and nervous and sleep does not come that easily. So I was groggy and my eyes only half open, you know the drill. Until there was blood. A little blood, but still blood. And there shouldn't be blood. So, now I'm wide awake and my heart is racing. To the Googles...which says it could be something or nothing. Helpful. I decided not to tell the hubbs yet, because why should both of us be in panic mode the whole way to the Dr? So I get ready and we get on the road, early of course, because I have to get there.

The 2 week wait is long. Until you are at the end, then the 5-6 hour wait for the blood test results feels longer than 2 weeks. Those are nothing compared to the short window between seeing blood and having the ultrasound. 1 hour 45 mins to get ready and get to the Dr's office. The way down, we were both nervous (since we're right about where we previously miscarried), me a little extra nervous (blood, and is that a cramp? Maybe not...). I made a joke about Schrodinger's cat. Until you open the box, the cat is both dead and alive. If you don't open the box, then you don't have to deal with the outcome. I seriously considered not stopping. But I did, because I had to know.

I mention it to hubbs right before the Dr came in, because I felt like I should at least tell him before them. I mention it to the Dr (well, she's technically a PA) and ultrasound tech. Probably nothing, let's find out.

And everything was perfect. Baby is measuring correctly, heart rate is a solid 161. Now we "graduate" and are released to my obgyn. Where we will be next Thursday. Every good appointment is a step in the right direction, but the risk of loss will never go down to '0' until the baby is out and crying (and yes, I know even after that there will be other worries. One day at a time).

So we live out here on the edge now, where until we get to see with the ultrasound, there is both good news and bad news. At least today, there is good news.

First Ultrasound

Today was our first ultrasound. I've been so nervous and anxious, but everything looks great so far! There is one baby in there. We are just under 7 weeks and the heart rate is measuring 120 bpm (much better than the first round). Next scan will be at the end of next week. I almost wish they could be every day to calm my anxiety, but I'm trying really hard to just relax and enjoy the moment.

I think what has been making this so difficult to celebrate is that when we miscarried, there was no explanation. The heart rate was low, then gone. The extra testing revealed no abnormalities to explain the loss. Everything showed normal. I like science, but it has limitations. "It just happens sometimes" is not a very scientific answer. Like the women diagnosed with unexplained infertility. What an awful "answer" to have: something isn't right, but we don't know what or why. This happens a startling 20% of the time (resolve.org).

So today, while I try to enjoy this (baby) step closer to motherhood, I also think about those that aren't any closer to motherhood or to answers. I hope that they find the strength and courage to continue fighting. That they never stop hoping and dreaming. And that they get a chance for happy news, too.

More bloodwork!

All still good!  Next week, we get to start ultrasounds!  Still a little nervous, we were at this point before. In fact, yesterday was our original due date. 

Another day, another hole in my arm

Another blood test, another day of good news. Letting myself be excited! Scheduling hopefully the last test on Monday. Then we should be able to start doing ultrasounds!

Until then, I'm going to try to rest because these crazy dreams I've been having the last week or 2 have really been interrupting the ol' REM cycle!

The two week wait is nothing...

...compared to the five or so hour wait between when they draw your blood and when they call with the results.  That's where you really test your patience.  And where you can basically get the feeling of riding a rollercoaster for free because every time you even think you hear your phone ring, your stomach is going to drop.  Forget about when it actually is the call...

So blood taken this morning, results this afternoon.  And it's POSITIVE.  I'm really excited, but also a bit reserved because we still have some hurdles to clear.  We've been down this road before, I think I'll be holding my breath for at least a few more weeks...

Back on Thursday to test again to make sure the hcg level is going up as it should, then we take it from there.  But so far, we are pregnant!!

The Two Week Wait and Mother's Day

We're nearing the end of the dreaded "two week wait."  This is the agonizing stretch of time between the day that the embryo(s) is(are) transferred and the day you find out whether or not they got settled in and continued to grow.  I was lucky enough to be distracted for the first week by the end of my grad school class...a paper and essay style final exam kept me pretty busy on top of work...but those are turned in and now we anxiously await the grading process.  It seems the closer we get to the blood test, the more anxious and nervous I become.  I've even started dreaming about it!  I've tried to stay calm, cool, and collected through this round, but coming so close to the end those three things are in very short supply.

Regardless of the results this week, I still know that the next few weeks are going to be tough.  On top of the waiting, it's Mother's Day.  Luckily, it's also hubster's birthday, so that's a good distraction.  This time last year, we were saying goodbye to Grandma, (hubster's side) who was an important part of our lives.  Grandma's little dog has been super snuggly with me the last week or so (in fact, I had to move my laptop for her royal highness to have her spot back on my lap).  I think she is missing her a lot, too.  It makes me sad to know that our eventual children will miss out because they won't get to meet her.  And finally, our original due date is quickly approaching.  For obvious reasons, that's also playing with my emotions.

There are just a few more days until what is hopefully the first blood test.  If the specific hormone is elevated, we'll have another one a few days after that to verify that it is still increasing as it should. After that, we would start the ultrasounds (and after the miscarriage, I imagine we'll be holding our breaths a little at every one).  However, if the hormone isn't elevated, it's back to the drawing board.  It's strange, you feel a little like you should just know because it's your body and you should know if something is different.  But the reality is, there's no magical symptom that proves anything.  There's no way to know until it's time for the blood test.  All you can really do it follow the rules (take the meds and vitamins, no heavy lifting, no strenuous exercise, no sushi, no booze, etc) and hope.

Lucky Number 3??

This is the 4th try, but it's the third "fresh" round (the type of round where we start from the beginning, growing eggs and hoping for embryos).  We're hoping very much this is lucky #3!!  So far, it's been the best round.  They were able to retrieve 8 eggs, 7 of which were mature.  Of those 7, 5 fertilized.  Of those 5, 4 continued to grow.  We didn't know until the morning of the embryo transfer (yesterday) whether any of those 4 would be left - since they get left alone for 2 days before the transfer.  The morning of, we found out that they were all still developing, but some more quickly than others.  We opted to transfer 2 embryos - haven't tried that yet!!  Then we had to wait another day to find out whether the other 2 were able to continue development and hit the mark where they could be frozen.  And holy crap, if they didn't.  We got 4 embryos out of this round.  I still can't believe it.

It's easy to get too wrapped up in the misery.  The waiting, the hoping, the failure.  I was so excited in the beginning.  Excited to get started, because this will start our family.  Because with all the information we had at that time, this was the solution.  But that round ended terribly, and we just kept getting bad news.  When the last round ended with not a single embryo, I felt like I had been punched in the face.  I told my hubby the other week that I felt like someone told me we were going "glamping" but when I got there, there was no bathroom, tents with holes in them, mosquitoes everywhere, and a bear ate our snacks.  It's hard to be excited when you have no snacks.  Then something happened.  I was talking to a co-worker about the next round, doing my very best emo-kid-here-we-go-again and she got excited.  Like, we were on the phone and by the sound of her voice, I think she was ready to jump up and down.  I feel like that flipped a switch for me.  Helped bring me back to myself, well, as much of myself as I can be.  The sunshine is helping, too (although definitely missing it the last few days!)

To recap: 2 in the uterus, 2 in the freezer, and 2 weeks to wait for a pregnancy test.  2 weeks is forever to wait for the answer, but luckily I have plenty of work to do for school and for work so I actually think the time will go by pretty quickly.

Egg Retrieval take 3!

Quick update. Egg retrieval was today. They were able to get 8 eggs. I'm in less pain than I was after the second one, so I'm happy with that! Tomorrow we will see what fertilized! Stay tuned!

Day 10 again

The last cycle took something out of me.  Though, I should probably say all of the prior rounds took something out of me, and it just really piled up.  Luckily, I have an awesome bestie that lives in Florida.  I took a long weekend there (though, let's be real...long weekends are not long enough!!) to recharge my batteries a bit.  Most of my time off of work the last year has been spent on bloodwork, procedures, and those devastating mental health days.  I was absolutely thrilled to get some time away (and see one of my very best friends).  I don't know if it was the sunshine, my girlfriend, or just the break but I'm feeling a little more like me.  Or, rather, a better version of me.  I'm asking more questions and being more assertive.  It's helping me feel like I have control over this, even though there is no way to really have any control.  Also, now it's finally (maybe) spring.  I keep driving by farms with colts nursing from their mothers, and little lambs running around...it's refreshing and sparks hope!

So, not a whole lot to write about before.  The cycles are pretty boring.  Shots in the evening, bloodwork and ultrasound in the morning, results and updated dosing in the afternoon.  Repeat. Oh, and the rest of my life fits in there, too...work, school, etc.  My first appointment was on day 4, then 6, 8, 9, and finally today day 10.  Here is the best part: that's it!!  The first round went 12 days, the second fresh round went 15.  There is something about hitting day 12 that starts to feel disheartening.  I feel completely exhausted, starting to get a little hopeless, my skin hurts where the injections go, just all around feel awful.  Not this time, though.  This time 10 days is it!  Tonight (well, early tomorrow morning) we do the 'trigger' shot.  That's the last one.  It's administered 36 hours before the egg retrieval procedure, which will be Friday afternoon.  This round my meds were changed up.  That seemed to have done the trick, but we're still at wait and see.  They still have to retrieve the eggs, then they have to fertilize and mature enough to transfer next Wednesday.  But, for now, I'm so excited to be at the end of the meds portion of this round and ready for retrieval on Friday.  A good friend pointed out that this process is all about baby steps.  Of course, that's the goal, too

Here we go again

New meds arrived yesterday. One starts next week for about 9 days (almost everything on the timeline is tentative, pending blood work or testing), then I switch to the ones we've used before. Doc is changing the way they stimulate my ovaries this time, hopefully it goes better now.

Incase you were wondering, this is what several thousand dollars of medication looks like. Special thanks to PA for being one of the only holdouts around here (while only 15 U.S. states require employers to carry some sort of infertility treatment coverage, most of the states that touch PA do including NY, NJ, OH, WV, MD). Infertility awareness week is coming in April, so I'll save some snark for that. This is just a brief intro...

Nope.

Round 3 is a bust. The little embryo that maybe could just couldn't. I'm debating going back to work today, but I think I just need the day to deal. I'm finding that each loss gets a little harder because they're compounding. I know what you're thinking, a few years ago I may have thought it too. It was just am embryo. It wasn't even developed enough to be anything yet. But in a way, it was. It's a hope, a dream. For us, every piece we lose is the baby we've been waiting for.

Today, I'll pack up my med "station" so I don't have to look at it, maybe purge a closet, and watch Spy for the 4356th time because if anyone can make me laugh today, it's Melissa McCarthy.

Doc wants to change up some meds for next round. In about 3-4 weeks we'll be at it again. Stay tuned...

Holding out hope

Today is supposed to be transfer day. Wednesday evening was our retrieval. They only collected 5 eggs this time and of those five, just 2 fertilized. The Dr expected that 3 would have, but that was a minor bump. Friday, only one had developed, but there was still time for the other one since they started later in the day than the other embryos there, but they all get checked at the same time in the morning. We waited this weekend and got a call this morning. Definitely down to 1, but it's not where it needs to be to transfer. So we need to wait one more day. Either it's behind, or it's done growing. Tomorrow we will know.

This has been the longest cycle so far. We went 15 days of meds, up from the 12 last time. I know usually 3 days isn't a lot, but this was. The medication is so expensive and we kept having to order more. My skin started to really hurt with the injections. I keep hoping that the wait is worth it, but I fear that this longest cycle is a bust. The longer we go, the more difficult it becomes to be hopeful and positive. We just need this one little embryo to be strong and keep growing.

I've always been pretty good at rolling with the punches. Changing plans has never bothered me. I can get back up after I've been knocked down. But being a mom was never a plan I thought I'd have to adjust. I feel like it's getting harder to get back up after these blows. There are still so many what ifs, and one of them still ends with the embryo being transferred tomorrow. So, for today, we just wait and hope...

Day 6

Today is day 6 of our 3rd cycle. If you're keeping score, that's 1 fresh, 1 frozen, and we're back to fresh. Our first fresh cycle (when I take meds to make my body produce several eggs and they retrieve them) produced 8 eggs, of which 5 fertilized and only 2 developed to the blastocyst stage which is how they are transferred (aka placed in my uterus). They were great quality, so we opted to transfer only 1 at a time. Hence, one fresh and one frozen cycle so far.

Using the first cycle as a guide, I should be about halfway through this one as the first cycle I was on meds for 12 days. This morning we are headed down into Maryland for monitoring. They'll do a blood test and am ultrasound to check my estradiol level to make sure it's increasing appropriately and use the ultrasound to inspect both of my ovaries to make sure follicles are forming in each (this is where the eggs are!). My last appt was 2 days ago, my estradiol level was even better than last cycle at this time, and while they were small, the follicles were growing.

I'm always apprehensive, maybe this is where we derail this time? But, really, there's no point in getting worked up yet. Just take the meds, go to the appointments, and follow the rules. No booze, no sushi, little to no caffeine...basically pretend you're pregnant. That's fine, I'm good at rules. It's the waiting that is tough. The waiting and the lack of control over the outcome. But this is the hand we've been dealt. Really hoping for a full house ;)

How do you feel?

I spend most of my day alone.  I travel a good bit for work, all by car, and I've always found driving to be where I do a lot of thinking.  And singing like I'm performing a concert, but during the workday, I can't afford to lose my voice.  This is good for problem solving, but not so much for problems that can't be solved.

Recently, I got a very nice email referring me to someone who had been through IVF cycles.  In case I wanted to reach out to someone, because the sender of the email knew that they couldn't relate.

I know there have been times that I've isolated myself lately.  I won't apologize for it because I think it's normal.  Some days are just easier than others.  Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to be around people.  Some days it's hard to keep on a happy face, and no one wants to be a downer.  This isn't how I've dealt with things before, but this is different.  I don't know whether it's me being older (not old), or if it's just the subject material. 

Today, I feel exhausted.  I've been having weird dreams lately, and trouble sleeping.  Maybe it's the new medication or just general stress.  I feel like I could sleep all day, if not for this pesky job 😉.  Just kidding, I also have a class presentation tonight for one of my MBA classes online.  I tend to fill my schedule, I've always done that.  My husband says he thinks I'm just not happy unless I'm completely what-the-hell-was-I-thinking busy.  He's right!  I was unhappy after college because I felt like I had nothing to do.  So I took cake decorating classes.  But anyway, I'm also hopeful. Last night we finally got to start the real meds.  12ish days to go...maybe depending on how it goes.  You really can only take it one day at a time, more than that is hard to handle..

Negative

Happy Monday. Negative pregnancy test today. Doc to call tomorrow to discuss what's next. I'm guessing we start again. I'm frustrated, sad, not feeling hopeful today. Maybe tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day.

New Year, New Hope

Miscarriage is big in the news right now.  Social media moguls, actresses, singers, wanna be bloggers...we're all opening up.  I read an article that suggested it was a 'secret' for some.  It's not a secret, it's a hole in your heart and it's not something you want to shout from the rooftops.  It's not a piece of information you just offer up.  It's tragic and awkward to bring into a casual conversation.  It's a sad sisterhood that you don't understand until you're an unfortunate member.

The paperwork called it a missed abortion.  That's what it's called.  The one thing I will never get used to is the terminology.  Did you know that the definition of infertile is being unable to get pregnant on your own for 1 year?  That's it.  1 year, no luck, you're labeled.  But really, it's just a designation; it doesn't mean barren or unable.  And yet, it stung the first time I heard it.  So it shouldn't have surprised me when I got the bill for the D&C and it was called a missed abortion.  Or that we had the tissue tested.  It seems so cold, but this part of medicine needs to be factual.

The extra testing we had done revealed the gender, and the fact that there was nothing wrong.  No chromosomal abnormalities that caused the loss.  No anything that could have caused the loss.  Sometimes, these things just happen.  And you're at a higher risk to miscarry on your first pregnancy, and other facts that mean nothing to a grieving woman.  So I did what I needed to do: I watched a lot of Hallmark movies and ate a lot of really bad food.  I wrapped my head around the fact that sometimes things just happen...things don't always happen for a reason, like my teenage self would have you believe.  Because sometimes, there can't possibly be a reason that it happened.  At least not an acceptable one.  And I pushed forward to round 2 because I needed a light at the end of the tunnel.  I spoke with one of the nurses who mentioned that some people like to wait for round 2.  For me, I needed to push forward.

So here we are, I'm 28 birth control pills, 13 (giant) intramuscular injections, 23 oral estrogen pills, and 16 progesterone suppositories in to this cycle.  Tomorrow is our embryo transfer.  This is the easy part, but it's scary and exciting at the same time.  After tomorrow's transfer, it's another 2 weeks before we find out whether it got cozy enough in my uterine lining to stick around.

I feel good.  I feel like this could be the one.  And if not, it's not over yet.  I will keep going.  I will eat liver (because someone said it's one of the five things I should be eating), I will take shots where ever they tell me and as many as they tell me.  I will track my medications on a calendar in my phone so I don't miss any.  I will have the joy of being miserable in my last trimester.  I will get to wince when my toddler asks 'why' for the 5 millionth time in an hour.  I will be a mom and I will love every moment.