Lost the battle...

...but we haven't lost the war.

So, last Wednesday we learned the heart had stopped. Luckily, they were able to do a procedure on Friday that removed the tissue (and yes, I know that might sound a little cold, but when I describe it differently, I can't hold it together). We had the option to wait to see whether it would resolve, but I couldn't bear the thought of physically miscarrying. Plus, with the procedure they can run tests to make sure it was in fact a freak chromosomal issue and terribly bad luck.

We join the one on four who have lost a child right in the middle of the month that Facebook says is to remember and raise awareness. This is both convenient and inconvenient. The first, because I know there's this sisterhood who understands my grief and will share and comfort. The second, because I can't get on social media without being reminded. For me, this is a fresh wound that keeps getting opened.

I'm trying so hard to be ok. The truth is that even though I never got to feel movement, or look like I was carrying, or hear the heart or see the little parts on an ultrasound, I had just enough time to get excited for all of those things. Just enough time to start thinking about what it was going to be like to finally hold our baby. Just enough time to wonder if it would have my blue eyes or hubby's quick wit. Just enough time to be overjoyed at the idea of being a parent.

We will move forward and transfer the other embryo on deck when my body is ready. And I will be guardedly optimistic and terrified. And my heart will always hurt a little. That's the thing about battles - win or lose, you leave a little piece of yourself behind after each fight and you are never the same.

What Infertility Did (is doing) to my Marriage

I started writing this post a few weeks ago after being part of an amazing wedding celebration for a very close friend.  At the wedding, I had a chance to catch up with some friends who I miss dearly, but had moved away after college while we stayed put.  Between the wedding and the catching up, I started to think a lot about my husband and where we were in our marriage.

Today is our wedding anniversary.  We have been married for 4 years.  One month from today is our dating anniversary: this year marks 12 years together.  I was 19 when we met.  Looking back, I was just a kid but I felt very much like an adult.  I always loved that we could go to the same place, say a party (What? In college?? Never ;) ), and not have to stay glued at the hip.  We still did things together, but we never lost our individuality.  Even today he has guy weekends, I have my girl time and this works so well for us.  He is my best friend, but you will always need your girlfriends.
**Note to all the girls who think they get along better with men (as I said many times as a younger woman): YOU WILL ALWAYS NEED GOOD GIRLFRIENDS.  This only gets truer with age.**

Now after almost 12 years, we find ourselves in this nightmare.  I believe that there are major life events that test your strength as a couple.  Events that will make or break you.  Losing a job, losing a loved one, a big move, infertility, losing a child....the list goes on and on.  Over 12 years, we have buried 2 grandparents, one parent, had a few surgeries, infertility issues, and now we are experiencing our first (and hopefully last) miscarriage.

When we started getting our results back from all of the testing and discovered the problem, I thought he should leave.  I didn't think that it was fair to him to possibly not have a family because of me.  He had the perfect out.  He wouldn't go.  Instead, he has gone with me to every appointment (well, except for some of the monitoring...nothing happened at those appointments except for me getting stuck with a needle and an ultrasound wand), helped give me the shots at the right times, and made sure I had what I needed both physically and emotionally.  He lifted things when I couldn't, changed the cat litter when I wasn't supposed to touch it, and let me cry when I needed to be sad.  All without complaint.  Now, we move forward.  Though I am still struggling with my emotions over this miscarriage, he has moved to the acceptance phase and is ready for round 2.  He understands where I am and is offering me incredible support.  He gets that we are different, that we feel differently, and he is giving me what I need to get through.  All of this at the expense of his needs sometimes.  Ok, pretty frequently right now, if we're being honest.

When we got married, I didn't think anything would change.  By then, we had already spent 8 years together, bought a house and filled it with fur-babies, so what difference would a marriage license make?  The truth is, getting married really made us a team.  We were a little nicer to each other, too...so we did actually enjoy a 'honeymoon' period!  Don't get me wrong, we argue sometimes.  Mostly about little, stupid things.  We still make bad decisions sometimes and we trudge through the consequences together.  We still get mad, but we get over it.

Life isn't perfect.  It's filled with curveballs and general suck-titude sometimes.  But it's also beautiful and so much better when you have someone who will share in your victories and defeats.  Never in a million years when we were making out in a fraternity basement could I possibly have imagined what we would have, or what we would build, together.  He is my other half, my soulmate, my partner, and my best friend.  Infertility has strengthened my marriage.  It has solidified our bond and really given us a chance to show the world what we can do together.  It has given us perspective, and made the little, stupid things we used to argue about so insignificant.  It has pushed us closer together, not further apart.  If there is a silver lining to this storm cloud, that is certainly it.  Happy Anniversary to the love of my life <3

Back to the drawing board...

Today, there was no heartbeat.  So, that's it.  Round 1 done.  We have one more embryo in the deep freeze, so in a few weeks, we can start over.  Well, not exactly start over, but get ready to transfer the last embryo.  We have to decide whether we want to proceed with a D&C to officially remove the tissue or give it a few days to see whether it 'resolves itself'.  I want to proceed with a D&C.  I feel like I've already waited long enough for an answer I knew was coming.  I've been grieving for about a week and a half, I don't think I can wait for this to happen on its own, and start grieving all over again when it does.

I am sad.  I knew that this was probably coming, but I can't stop being sad that it happened.  I thought that the last week and a half of knowing this was coming was adequate to prepare, but I'm not so sure you can prepare for this.  I did the research.  I knew the odds.  But this is not a time for logic or reasoning.  It's emotional and raw and it hurts.  Apparently, at this stage it's almost certainly chromosomal.  This means that there's nothing we could have done to prevent this from happening.  Not that this is really helpful information, but at least there's that. 

Limbo. Not the fun kind.

We're still in limbo. There was no change today. Since there is still a heartbeat, there is still a chance. It's a small chance, but a chance nonetheless.

We check in again Wednesday.

What to wear?

If you know me, you'll know this is silly. I don't have a closet full of clothes that are remotely fashionable. I don't buy it if it isn't clearanced or deeply discounted, so you will rarely see me in the most current trends. My job doesn't really allow for dressing too nicely and when I'm not working, I'm all about watching tv, reading a book, or baking in my sweatpants.

But for some reason, I've been taking my procedures seriously in the clothing department. First was the egg retrieval. I wore my favorite yoga pants (that I definitely got off the clearance rack at Target) and my favorite t-shirt - one I bought as part of a fundraiser for the pit bull rescue pitties.love.peace (favorite because of the content, color, and softness!). I decided on this outfit because I wanted to be comfortable because I knew I'd be sore and groggy from the anesthesia.

Then, there was the transfer. Here comes the silly part. When I got up that morning, I giggled as I thought to myself,  "what should I wear to get pregnant?" So, obviously, I dressed like I was going on a somewhat casual date: nice jeans, cute top, and wedge heels. When I left there, I was so uncomfortable for the 1.5-2 hour drive home I wished I was in sweats!

Tonight I'm thinking about what I will wear tomorrow. What is the appropriate attire to find out whether your pregnancy will continue? Do I want to be comfortable? Should I be a little uncomfortable? Does it really matter anyway?

At work, you're supposed to dress for the job you want, not the one you have. Gosh, wouldn't it be easy if wearing maternity clothes willed it to be so?

The journey continues...

We had our second ultrasound today.  7 weeks, 1 day.  And the heartbeat is too slow; less than half of what it should be at this stage.  I could see it on the screen before they even said it out loud.  Next Monday, we check again just to be sure, but I appreciated the honesty in the room today - this is not getting better.  Another crushing blow.  They let us slip out the back door today, so we didn't have to go back through the waiting room.  I could tell that it broke her heart to be honest, and the look on the young nurse's face when we were walking out...it's like they share in the loss a bit, too.

The worst part, is that we haven't miscarried.  Not yet.  But the writing is on the wall.  It's like I'm standing on the train tracks, but the button I have to stop the train doesn't work and there is nothing I can do.  It's frustrating and heartbreaking and just awful.

I am sad.  We are sad.  There is no way to not be disappointed.  Maybe I'll feel a little more optimistic tomorrow...

Clear one hurdle...

Through the whole process, we have felt like we cleared one hurdle, only to have about 8 more, all higher, pop up next.  Every step we have tried to be cautiously optimistic.  Going in for this blood test was no different.

I didn't take any home tests.  With the estrogen and progesterone I'm still on, and the fact that they are not as sensitive as blood tests, there was no guarantee it would be correct.  Considering all the stress that is already part of this, I decided not to add to it with a questionable pee stick.

I took off work the day of, and the day after the test.  I felt like I wouldn't be able to concentrate, and I was definitely right.  I drove down to get blood drawn (no reason to drag the hubbs to stick a needle in my arm), then had to wait until the afternoon for results.  I popped into a few stores on my way home (also a good reason to conveniently leave the hubbs behind :) ) to try to concentrate on something else. It worked for a little bit.  Then I went home and did some Netflix binge watching, which sort of works a little.

I know, you're dying to know.  Welcome to my world!! The call came in the afternoon, with good news.  This first test is positive.  But again, with the hurdles.  I go back Monday for another to make sure that the hgc levels continue to rise. Then probably again on Wednesday.  And, if those are good, it's still a bit of eggshell walking until the end of the first trimester.  So, why am I telling you now and not waiting the standard period?  Because this is part of the journey.  This is another piece of the puzzle. The uncertainty, excitement, the waiting with bated breath.  Because if something goes wrong, to me it doesn't matter if it's at 2 days or 12 weeks.  So we can celebrate this small victory, but I will keep my celebrating slightly more reserved for now.

The Wait

..is almost over. Tomorrow is my test. I feel like I should know, but that is silly. It's been a difficult 2 weeks to say the least. I'm anxious, excited, nervous...I have butterflies. Seriously, butterflies. I know that if tomorrow doesn't have in store what I hope it does, we will be back at it. I am happy to be writing and sharing. I missed writing. I find it therapeutic. And being able to share this experience with the amazing people in my life, and maybe some who I've never met but are along for my ride, is special to me. I like to think that I'm an open book, but never have I felt so vulnerable and exposed. I think at some point, we must allow ourselves some vulnerability. So here are some of the thoughts that are consuming me, and stealing my sleep, on this night full of anticipation.

I think a lot about what I want my child to know, or not know, about this experience. What I will say, how I will feel. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to them already..

What won't I tell you? I don't want you to know it hurt sometimes. I don't want you to know I cried a lot. I don't want you to know about the sleepless nights. Or the hopelessness that inevitably creeped up. Or the feeling of being cheated out of being normal. I don't want you to know about the money, the time driving back and forth, the poking, the prodding, the bruising.

So what's left? I want you to know that you were wanted. You were wanted so fiercely that I would have gladly walked through fire if it would have helped. That I would do this a hundred times just to hold you. That you were loved truly, madly, deeply before you even existed. Before I was even completely sure you would exist. I want you to know that I dreamt of you. That you are my dream. That you are perfect in every single way. I know this, even though you aren't here yet. I want you to know that it was worth it. That you are worth it. Always.

The Transfer

Yesterday was another big day. The embryo transfer! We ended up with 2 embryos that were of excellent quality, so we opted to transfer one and freeze the other for later. There are 2 others that don't look like they will make it to the right stage but we'll find out for sure on Monday. Yesterday we drove down to the center where the procedure was done. Our doctor called in the morning to talk about the embryo quality and discuss how many to transfer (they really don't like to do 2 unless they're lower quality embryos) then another doc did the deed. All of the doctors we've met are amazing. Perfect bedside manner, which I can't imagine is easy in their line of work. And our embryologist? I swear we must have been on a hidden camera. She was gorgeous and so sweet.

So we were put in this room, like any other procedure room - table for me, chair for hubbs, monitor for the doc and one for us.  It was really cool that we both got to see it. The procedure itself was quick and painless. About as invasive as a regular yearly exam. We got to watch on the ultrasound monitor where the doctor placed the embryo. While the embryo itself is too small to see, you could see on the screen where the liquid was released that had the lil one in it. They looped it for us so we could keep watching. Then the embryologist takes the tool back under magnification to make sure it wasn't stuck in there and it wasn't! So hopefully it went where it needed to and is currently getting comfortable! The doc left and the embryologist came back with a little gift: a magnified photo of our embryo. They gave it to us in this cardboard folder with the name of the center on the front. Kind of like one you get to commemorate your ride on a roller-coaster. Obviously, this was cooler.

Everyone wished us lots of luck and we got to go home where I'm on "limited activity" for the next few days, then easing into some things with others still of limits. You can imagine how disappointed I was to learn no running or kickboxing for the next few weeks. And if you can't imagine, I'll just tell you that while I'm not obese, my body is definitely built for comfort, not for speed ;)

It will be two weeks until we know whether it worked. In the meantime, I'm still on some meds that are making me tired and sore, all of which are normal. Now to not think about it for 2 weeks...

Embryo Watch 2015

So they were able to retrieve 8 mature eggs. They turned into 5 embryos! Our update for today is that one of the five hasn't further developed, but may still by Friday. Tomorrow, they spend the day in the incubator. No check ins tomorrow. Kind of like not opening the oven too much to check on your cake or it won't cook like it should. Friday is transfer day. This Friday. Then we wait 2 weeks to find out whether it worked. Lots of hurry up and wait coming! I am excited, but still anxious and nervous. We aren't done yet, but it is out of our control. So now we wait, and hope and dream...

Egg Retrieval!

"I'm so tired but I can't sleep//Standing on the edge of something much too deep"

These Sarah McLaughlin lyrics popped into my head this morning, when I wanted to sleep in but couldn't. This perfectly describes how I've been feeling the last few weeks. Now I'm laying in my hospital gown and a fresh IV getting ready for my 1230 egg retrieval. I'm scared and excited all at once. Today we will know how many eggs, and tomorrow we will know how many, if any, fertilized. In my lifetime, this is certainly one of the more minor procedures I've had, but arguably the most important. I'll try to check in later if I'm not too hopped up on the anesthesia ☺

Day 12

So I started a post this morning at my monitoring appointment. It didn't save which is really a good thing because I was whiny. I'm achy and sore and my morning shot was really itchy and uncomfortable.

Then this afternoon I got my results. We are on for Sunday for egg retrieval!! So only one more shot (granted, it's a big one) and then nothing to do tomorrow. Next Friday will be the embryo transfer,  assuming everything is good. So, three weeks from today we will know whether this cycle was truly successful.

I don't know if it was the sunshine today, but driving around and day dreaming I felt like I could practically hold our baby. I can see her (or him). I can feel her skin and kiss her face. This feels so much more real than it has before.

We are getting ice cream to celebrate. My big shot is at 1230am so ice cream first :)

Getting closer...

We have almost one week of injections in.  Our estimated date for egg retrieval is Friday.  This Friday!  I can't believe how quickly this is going.  Every night, I take 2 injections in my belly and I have regular blood work and ultrasounds, which now have increased to every other day.  I've had my dosages increased twice this week, which means now I have to watch my medications really closely because I may need to order more for this cycle.  I did great all week, until Friday when I hit the wrong spot and bruised myself pretty good.  Doesn't hurt, but it sure looks like it does!  The injections sites are sore right afterward, but mostly don't bother me too much.  In the ultrasounds, they check both of my ovaries for follicles and measure their growth.  The eggs grow inside the follicles.  Or they should.  There are still so many things that can go wrong, so we're not quite smooth sailing just yet.

Last night, a great friend organized a paint night type fundraiser for us.  We had a blast with friends, and strangers, and made some pretty nice landscape paintings!  Some days, it's hard to stay positive and thankful.  I am grateful for moments like those to give me strength and perspective.  We are lucky to have such an amazing support system.  We are surrounded by amazing friends and family.  We are so appreciative of the support (which sometimes comes in the form of letting me be completely vulnerable and kind of a mess) and love, there are no words to properly say thank you.  <3

Social Challenge

Today was our Mock Embryo Transfer and Injections class.  Probably the least invasive so far!  First, I went in for the Mock.  Much less discomfort than the dye test and much shorter, too.  Well under 10 minutes!  Without too much detail, this is basically to check out the area where the embryo will be transferred to make sure there won't be any surprises that day.

Next, it was time for our injections class.  Hubbs is so awesome, he came with me, earning some major husband points.  Here is where we learned how to mix the medications and how to administer them (hint: so many needles...).  Most of the injections are sub-cutaneous, which means they're going in my belly.  The awesome thing about this?  There is a lot of area around my most recent scar (gall bladder surgery) that is still pretty numb.  I think this might actually work out!  Then we got to talk about the 'trigger shot'.  This is the last shot I take to get ready for egg retrieval, or as I like to call it: The Harvest.  The trigger shot is a giant needle, and it is an intra-muscular shot.  Ok, it's not THAT giant, it's just a lot larger than the other ones.  It goes into a muscle on my hip.  The hubbs will be doing that one for sure.

**Small and really basic science lesson if you're interested:
In a very short and abbreviated version, this is how IVF works.  Every month, your body puts eggs into your ovaries.  Only one of those eggs really gets to mature and be released for possible fertilization.  (P.S. at that point, the sperm has only 24 hours to get it done, or no babes.  How do people get pregnant without trying?!)  For IVF, we want to maximize the possibilities.  So, right now I'm on the pill to stop my body from beginning a cycle.  After this, fertility drugs are injected to make your body create several mature eggs that can be retrieved.  During this period, there is a lot of monitoring, so that the drugs can be adjusted as needed.  Once they are 'harvested', they will be fertilized and embryos will (hopefully) be created.  The embryos are inspected, the best one(s) are chosen, and then implanted.  After the embryo transfer, it's a 2 week wait to find out for sure whether it worked.  AKA the worst 2 weeks of your life!!**

Then, we had a load of paperwork to sign.  Giving them permission to do what they need to do.  What do you want to do with any embryos left over?  What testing do you consent to?  These are the charges and the terms, sign here...etc.  Always paperwork.  I felt anxious, nervous, and scared.  Can I stab myself with these needles?  Can I handle the scheduling?  What if I forget, or time it wrong?  Let's face it, I've never been accused of being particularly organized.  How am I going to do this?  Then I stop feeling sorry for myself.  This is the hand I've been dealt, and I'll play my cards like I always do.  And, if all else fails, with my estrogen levels spiking like that, I'm sure the hubbs will have no problem stabbing me with a needle :)

So I titled this post 'Social Challenge' and I do intend to deliver.  I went to see Amy Schumer's new movie Trainwreck over the weekend.  First of all, it was hilarious and I love Amy Schumer.  There is a great scene that totally nails real life.  In the scene, there is a baby shower that a new couple is attending.  They are completely bombarded with the most inappropriate questions and comments.  I only saw it once, so I can't actually quote it, but the questions were along the lines of what you would expect:  How long have you been dating?  Where is it going?  Do you have kids?  You'd better hurry, you're not getting any younger!  My life didn't start until I had kids!  etc....

I think that we have all been on both sides of these invasive questions.  There are questions you feel the need to ask:  "How's married life?" and "When are you having kids?" to your recently married friends.  "When are you finally getting married?" to your friends that have been dating forever.  "When is the next one?" to your friends that just had a kid.  "When are you going to settle down?" to your single friends.  With strangers, it can be just as bad if not worse.  There are small talk questions that appear innocent on the surface, but can sting on the wrong day.  I work in customer service and I am constantly in these situations.  It's a fine line to walk: to brush off the intrusive questions yet stay polite and professional at the same time.  I enjoy getting to know people, but on the wrong day, "Do you have any children?  You'd better hurry, you're not getting any younger" hurts so badly.  I'm a pretty open book, so I don't mind talking about it, but it can make others feel awkward.

My challenge to you is this: get creative.  Think outside the box.  The next time you find yourself forced into making small talk with a stranger, or trying to get to know someone for the first time, be less intrusive.  Be friendly.  Be kind.  Be interested.  There are more things to talk about than husbands, boyfriends, kids...let's find them and talk about them instead.

#sciencebaby

It's currently trending in the Brown household.  Why?  Because we are so excited to finally start our family.  And we are so lucky to be able to finally do just that, thanks to science.

This is not the path that we envisioned, or would have chosen, but this is the path that we find ourselves traveling.  We hit a roadblock on the last path, and we are kind of stubborn.  So, instead of giving up, we picked a new route.

I always knew I would be a mom.  I thought I might be a teacher or a marine biologist, but mother was always in the plan.  I had a plan.  I wanted to be a wife first, for a little while.  Build a solid foundation with my husband before bringing kids along.  Maybe travel a bit.  Really be ready.

So, I met my husband in college.  Yes, at a party and, yes, we had a great time.  But maybe that one is not for the grandkids...

Shortly into it, he knew that I was an animal lover and missing my pets at home.  So, he got me a cat (Kitty, the very best cat around!).  Three years into our relationship, we were both out of college and living on our own together, where we brought home our second cat, Princess Fuzzy Paws (more commonly known at Kitters).  By 5 years, we had bought our first home, and filled it with our new pups: Duchess, and then Duke.  At 8 years, we finally tied the knot.  Then, we made our 'baby bucket list'.  Admittedly, it was a little late...we had really done a lot by then!  Shortly after the wedding, we honeymooned in Jamaica (item #1).  Then, in year 10, we completed the baby bucket list with our Europe trip to Ireland and Germany.

Finally, it was time.  All the items checked off the list.  We started trying.  Or, rather, we stopped NOT trying.  At first, I didn't track anything.  I mean, it's easy, right?  We all learned how this works pretty early on.  Months went by with no happy face on the tests.  Here's a fun fact: if you have tried to get pregnant on your own for a year, and have been unsuccessful, you are considered infertile.  That's it.  One year, before there are any tests or further evaluation.  When I called my doctor to discuss and see whether we needed to have testing, they immediately used that word.  Infertility.  I wasn't ready for that word yet.  So we tested.  And tested.  And in the midst of testing, my gall bladder gave in and that had to come out.  Then more testing.  Hubbs checked out fine, by the way.  My ovarian reserve was low, but not too low.  I didn't appear to be ovulating.  Then, the final blow: scar tissue was blocking one of my fallopian tubes.  The other appeared to be open, but there was no guarantee that it was undamaged.  Three months of the medication to stimulate ovulation didn't work: it was time to see a specialist.

So we went to a fertility clinic.  We discussed the results and the options.  The choice was pretty clear: we need to route around the fallopian tubes.  In Vitro Fertilization is the answer.  With IVF, we will be using our own parts, but not depending on my one tube that may be working to carry them where they need to be.

Some days, I feel guilty that my body has failed me in this way.  I feel angry, sad, hopeless...there are still so many things that can go wrong.

But, here's the thing: I'm also hopeful.  Because I'm stubborn.  Because I'm not a quitter.  Because I'm meant for this.  Because WE'RE meant for this.  Because in 1978, the first IVF baby was born.  Because since 1978, over 5 million IVF babies have been born.  Because I am beyond lucky to have an amazing partner in this, and in life.  Because science.

So, if you are interested, I will try to keep up with documenting our adventure.  If you aren't interested, then don't read it.  We are excited for our #sciencebaby and hope that you will be, too.

If all goes as planned, #sciencebaby may be transferred at the end of August.  Stay tuned :)