10 weeks

Today was our first ultrasound at the OB. Now we get to be regular parents-to-be without the extra appointments and tests.  Now we're just a normal pregnant couple.

We're having a baby.

I still am kind of pinching myself. The midwife we saw today described it perfectly: as an infertility patient, you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. A glimmer of hope so often comes with a crushing defeat that you begin to expect it. You begin to guard your heart against the pain. You are scared to get excited. However, not getting excited doesn't mean you're not getting hurt. It means you're missing out on the happy bits altogether.

I've really been working on that this round.  Knowing that I can't control the outcome (comforting, I know), but I can control my attitude. Well, sometimes hah! I've been focusing on enjoying the moment. Let me tell you about the moment I enjoyed today.

The ultrasound was a bit different. They started with an external exam because the baby is getting bigger. And it finally looks like a baby. There's a head. There are limbs. Then we get the internal exam. For the first time, we not only see the heartbeat, we get to hear it too. 178 bpm stong and healthy and perfect. The baby is moving around. Just a few little wiggles, and my heart is melting. Arms moving around, as if waving to us - mom and dad. And silent tears stream down my cheeks as I wait for it, but the shoe? Does. Not. Drop. She switches to 3D and says the little one is not sitting in a very good position for 3D but she will try. And then on the screen, there is a perfect little ear that will no doubt be ignoring my instructions in 3 or so years. The seer little arms that will bear hug Duke (and he will LOVE it) and the legs that will run around the yard with Duchess. To me, this is the best day ever.

I also got the big girl speech. You know, the dreaded BMI conversation. Yes, I know where it is. I'm a little fat, but I'm not stupid. No dieting, but eat well and light exercise. I'll admit, I've been so worried to overdo physical activity that I'm certain I've way underdone it. And I have a habit of eating my feelings. Of which there have been many!

They found a subchorionic hemorrhage (some blood between the uterus and the placenta), which apparently happens and probably won't be a big deal, but I got my special instructions and get another ultrasound in 4 weeks. So, silver lining, it gets us another look at baby ❤ (how do they expect people to wait SO long?!). Of course, I'll be Googling this until my hands cramp and have a whole new set of 'what ifs' to fear, but I'm going to let that be tomorrow's problem. Today, I have a baby growing with a heart beating and little arms waving hello. And we are so in love!

Schrodinger's Baby

This morning was ultrasound #2. First one was great. Everything has been fine. I'm just hungry a lot, and thirsty, too. And tired. I've never actually drank the amount of water I'm supposed to, but now I'm exceeding it and I have to admit my skin looks great. Minus a few breakouts, but that's par for the preggers course I suppose.

This morning I had to get up at 5:30am. This isn't terrible, except when you're already tired and nervous and sleep does not come that easily. So I was groggy and my eyes only half open, you know the drill. Until there was blood. A little blood, but still blood. And there shouldn't be blood. So, now I'm wide awake and my heart is racing. To the Googles...which says it could be something or nothing. Helpful. I decided not to tell the hubbs yet, because why should both of us be in panic mode the whole way to the Dr? So I get ready and we get on the road, early of course, because I have to get there.

The 2 week wait is long. Until you are at the end, then the 5-6 hour wait for the blood test results feels longer than 2 weeks. Those are nothing compared to the short window between seeing blood and having the ultrasound. 1 hour 45 mins to get ready and get to the Dr's office. The way down, we were both nervous (since we're right about where we previously miscarried), me a little extra nervous (blood, and is that a cramp? Maybe not...). I made a joke about Schrodinger's cat. Until you open the box, the cat is both dead and alive. If you don't open the box, then you don't have to deal with the outcome. I seriously considered not stopping. But I did, because I had to know.

I mention it to hubbs right before the Dr came in, because I felt like I should at least tell him before them. I mention it to the Dr (well, she's technically a PA) and ultrasound tech. Probably nothing, let's find out.

And everything was perfect. Baby is measuring correctly, heart rate is a solid 161. Now we "graduate" and are released to my obgyn. Where we will be next Thursday. Every good appointment is a step in the right direction, but the risk of loss will never go down to '0' until the baby is out and crying (and yes, I know even after that there will be other worries. One day at a time).

So we live out here on the edge now, where until we get to see with the ultrasound, there is both good news and bad news. At least today, there is good news.