Why I don't have a fun IVF photo with all the needles from the shots...

I see these a lot and I often think that I wish I had one. It's such a clever way to show all the love, pain, and especially perseverance that goes into the IVF process.  But I will never have one.  I didn't save these things.  We received our prescriptions in the mail.  A huge, crazy expensive box of medications and syringes.  In that box came a red, plastic sharps bin for the used needles.   Every night, at 7pm, I would go upstairs, measure the injections and stab my belly.  A few days there were mornings, too.  And a few were the "butt" shots that hubster did (intramuscular rather than subcutaneous - so muscle not fat - and they were bigger).  I truly hope I never forget these things because all of these memories, the ups and the downs, are important to our adventure and brought our little girl into the world.  But I will not be able to commemorate it.  Because each time the medication cycle was over, I took my little red, plastic sharps bin to our next step.  My little way of symbolizing the end of the round.  When the rounds failed, I packed away everything else and got ready to start fresh.  While I still carried the grief as it compounded, I chose not to carry any tangible evidence of it.  So when my new box came, I'd set up my station again, a new start, until I was able to turn in the last sharps bin.  Someday, I may get another red, plastic bin and I'm sure I'll turn that one in when it's done, too.  But the count?  It's 166.  All the injections, the blood work...166 needles to equal one perfect little girl.  And I would have taken a thousand more.

What a difference a year makes...

Written 5/11/17

Facebook is exciting right now.  2 weeks ago, I was reminded of our transfer day.  Today, it's been one year since we received our first positive pregnancy test.  It's so easy to forget how long this road was when I look at her sweet, chubby-cheeked face.  We don't have any of those creative photos with all the spent needles and vials of meds.  I love the idea, but for me, those empties went after every failed cycle.  I dropped of my little red plastic medical waste bin after every cycle, like a symbol that the cycle was over and it was time to move forward.  Like closing that chapter and looking forward to the new one.  Of course, with her cycle, it was looking forward to her.

She's nearly 4 months old.  She's perfect. Ok, she's not a great eater, struggles to stay asleep by herself, and although she's not *supposed* to have the cognitive development to correlate cause and effect, I swear she does...namely, I cry and Mom picks me up (so I cry so Mom picks me up).  But she's perfect. I can't promise that I won't ever feel like throwing my hands up (like say when she's a three-nager throwing a tantrum because I've cut up her apple the way I always cut up her apple, which is particularly offending for some unknown reason on this particular day...), but I won't ever take her for granted. Some days, it's hard.  Breastfeeding is hard.  Finding child care is hard.  Scheduling, finding time to pump, pumping enough for her to eat, eating what I'm supposed to eat...and worst of all, leaving her to go to work.  I always thought I'd be a career woman, but now, I would quit in a second if it were really a possibility.  My only saving grace right now is that she loves the sitter's and doesn't really notice when I leave.  There are still days I cry when I drop her off.  Like every mom does, I feel guilty like I'm not giving enough to her and I'm not giving enough to work, or to friends, or the hubby, the dogs, the housework, the schoolwork...there are so many things and just one me.

SHE'S HERE!

Today was a roller coaster, again. I went in for an ultrasound and non stress test and was sent straight to the hospital. My amniotic fluid was really low, so they said baby comes today. While being induced, my water broke, leaving even less fluid. Then, she must have pinched the cord - 3 nurses came rushing in because her heart rate slowed a lot. I got oxygen, and got rolled around to get things back to normal, which we did, but the midwife came in to talk about what's next. The Dr put c-section on the table. With the extremely low fluid, there was a good chance her HR would dip again and if they couldn't get it back up, then it would mean an emergency c-section. That made me nervous because of all the scar tissue I have; I discussed with the Dr before and while it was totally doable, it was going to be a(nother) significant surgery. I wanted to avoid the emergency bit, and also was panicked about her safety, so we decided to schedule the surgery. They had to cut out my original scar, that is vertical down my belly. It took an hour to get her out and me put back together (most of which was putting me back together!). It's going to be one hell of a recovery, but she is here and safe and perfect.

Truthfully, I'm still disappointed because I feel like my body failed me again. I just thought labor and delivery would be easy for me, but that was out of my control. I think that this defeat is a feeling I will always have: not being able to get pregnant on my own and then not being able to deliver vaginally. I'll never really know whether it was the right decision, but now I've got SIDS to worry about lol

Still waiting..

Scarlett still has yet to make her debut. Everything is good, she's apparently just not ready yet. Too bad because it's actually kind of warm for January in PA - over 40° at 10am! Tomorrow I check in again at the Dr's office to make sure she is still getting everything she needs. The testing is going to last about half the day, so I figure she'll at least wait until after all that ;)

Baby Watch 2017

Just days until the due date, no baby yet. The midwife thinks she'll be close to 8lbs. It's funny because everyone thinks she's small because of how I'm carrying, but she's got some pretty big moves! Another check in tomorrow, hopefully we're getting close. But she can wait until Friday, it's the 13th of course, and a 3 day weekend so daddy can hang out a little longer :) (he's taking his time after mine runs out)