First Ultrasound

Today was our first ultrasound. I've been so nervous and anxious, but everything looks great so far! There is one baby in there. We are just under 7 weeks and the heart rate is measuring 120 bpm (much better than the first round). Next scan will be at the end of next week. I almost wish they could be every day to calm my anxiety, but I'm trying really hard to just relax and enjoy the moment.

I think what has been making this so difficult to celebrate is that when we miscarried, there was no explanation. The heart rate was low, then gone. The extra testing revealed no abnormalities to explain the loss. Everything showed normal. I like science, but it has limitations. "It just happens sometimes" is not a very scientific answer. Like the women diagnosed with unexplained infertility. What an awful "answer" to have: something isn't right, but we don't know what or why. This happens a startling 20% of the time (resolve.org).

So today, while I try to enjoy this (baby) step closer to motherhood, I also think about those that aren't any closer to motherhood or to answers. I hope that they find the strength and courage to continue fighting. That they never stop hoping and dreaming. And that they get a chance for happy news, too.

More bloodwork!

All still good!  Next week, we get to start ultrasounds!  Still a little nervous, we were at this point before. In fact, yesterday was our original due date. 

Another day, another hole in my arm

Another blood test, another day of good news. Letting myself be excited! Scheduling hopefully the last test on Monday. Then we should be able to start doing ultrasounds!

Until then, I'm going to try to rest because these crazy dreams I've been having the last week or 2 have really been interrupting the ol' REM cycle!

The two week wait is nothing...

...compared to the five or so hour wait between when they draw your blood and when they call with the results.  That's where you really test your patience.  And where you can basically get the feeling of riding a rollercoaster for free because every time you even think you hear your phone ring, your stomach is going to drop.  Forget about when it actually is the call...

So blood taken this morning, results this afternoon.  And it's POSITIVE.  I'm really excited, but also a bit reserved because we still have some hurdles to clear.  We've been down this road before, I think I'll be holding my breath for at least a few more weeks...

Back on Thursday to test again to make sure the hcg level is going up as it should, then we take it from there.  But so far, we are pregnant!!

The Two Week Wait and Mother's Day

We're nearing the end of the dreaded "two week wait."  This is the agonizing stretch of time between the day that the embryo(s) is(are) transferred and the day you find out whether or not they got settled in and continued to grow.  I was lucky enough to be distracted for the first week by the end of my grad school class...a paper and essay style final exam kept me pretty busy on top of work...but those are turned in and now we anxiously await the grading process.  It seems the closer we get to the blood test, the more anxious and nervous I become.  I've even started dreaming about it!  I've tried to stay calm, cool, and collected through this round, but coming so close to the end those three things are in very short supply.

Regardless of the results this week, I still know that the next few weeks are going to be tough.  On top of the waiting, it's Mother's Day.  Luckily, it's also hubster's birthday, so that's a good distraction.  This time last year, we were saying goodbye to Grandma, (hubster's side) who was an important part of our lives.  Grandma's little dog has been super snuggly with me the last week or so (in fact, I had to move my laptop for her royal highness to have her spot back on my lap).  I think she is missing her a lot, too.  It makes me sad to know that our eventual children will miss out because they won't get to meet her.  And finally, our original due date is quickly approaching.  For obvious reasons, that's also playing with my emotions.

There are just a few more days until what is hopefully the first blood test.  If the specific hormone is elevated, we'll have another one a few days after that to verify that it is still increasing as it should. After that, we would start the ultrasounds (and after the miscarriage, I imagine we'll be holding our breaths a little at every one).  However, if the hormone isn't elevated, it's back to the drawing board.  It's strange, you feel a little like you should just know because it's your body and you should know if something is different.  But the reality is, there's no magical symptom that proves anything.  There's no way to know until it's time for the blood test.  All you can really do it follow the rules (take the meds and vitamins, no heavy lifting, no strenuous exercise, no sushi, no booze, etc) and hope.