The journey continues...

We had our second ultrasound today.  7 weeks, 1 day.  And the heartbeat is too slow; less than half of what it should be at this stage.  I could see it on the screen before they even said it out loud.  Next Monday, we check again just to be sure, but I appreciated the honesty in the room today - this is not getting better.  Another crushing blow.  They let us slip out the back door today, so we didn't have to go back through the waiting room.  I could tell that it broke her heart to be honest, and the look on the young nurse's face when we were walking out...it's like they share in the loss a bit, too.

The worst part, is that we haven't miscarried.  Not yet.  But the writing is on the wall.  It's like I'm standing on the train tracks, but the button I have to stop the train doesn't work and there is nothing I can do.  It's frustrating and heartbreaking and just awful.

I am sad.  We are sad.  There is no way to not be disappointed.  Maybe I'll feel a little more optimistic tomorrow...

Clear one hurdle...

Through the whole process, we have felt like we cleared one hurdle, only to have about 8 more, all higher, pop up next.  Every step we have tried to be cautiously optimistic.  Going in for this blood test was no different.

I didn't take any home tests.  With the estrogen and progesterone I'm still on, and the fact that they are not as sensitive as blood tests, there was no guarantee it would be correct.  Considering all the stress that is already part of this, I decided not to add to it with a questionable pee stick.

I took off work the day of, and the day after the test.  I felt like I wouldn't be able to concentrate, and I was definitely right.  I drove down to get blood drawn (no reason to drag the hubbs to stick a needle in my arm), then had to wait until the afternoon for results.  I popped into a few stores on my way home (also a good reason to conveniently leave the hubbs behind :) ) to try to concentrate on something else. It worked for a little bit.  Then I went home and did some Netflix binge watching, which sort of works a little.

I know, you're dying to know.  Welcome to my world!! The call came in the afternoon, with good news.  This first test is positive.  But again, with the hurdles.  I go back Monday for another to make sure that the hgc levels continue to rise. Then probably again on Wednesday.  And, if those are good, it's still a bit of eggshell walking until the end of the first trimester.  So, why am I telling you now and not waiting the standard period?  Because this is part of the journey.  This is another piece of the puzzle. The uncertainty, excitement, the waiting with bated breath.  Because if something goes wrong, to me it doesn't matter if it's at 2 days or 12 weeks.  So we can celebrate this small victory, but I will keep my celebrating slightly more reserved for now.

The Wait

..is almost over. Tomorrow is my test. I feel like I should know, but that is silly. It's been a difficult 2 weeks to say the least. I'm anxious, excited, nervous...I have butterflies. Seriously, butterflies. I know that if tomorrow doesn't have in store what I hope it does, we will be back at it. I am happy to be writing and sharing. I missed writing. I find it therapeutic. And being able to share this experience with the amazing people in my life, and maybe some who I've never met but are along for my ride, is special to me. I like to think that I'm an open book, but never have I felt so vulnerable and exposed. I think at some point, we must allow ourselves some vulnerability. So here are some of the thoughts that are consuming me, and stealing my sleep, on this night full of anticipation.

I think a lot about what I want my child to know, or not know, about this experience. What I will say, how I will feel. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to them already..

What won't I tell you? I don't want you to know it hurt sometimes. I don't want you to know I cried a lot. I don't want you to know about the sleepless nights. Or the hopelessness that inevitably creeped up. Or the feeling of being cheated out of being normal. I don't want you to know about the money, the time driving back and forth, the poking, the prodding, the bruising.

So what's left? I want you to know that you were wanted. You were wanted so fiercely that I would have gladly walked through fire if it would have helped. That I would do this a hundred times just to hold you. That you were loved truly, madly, deeply before you even existed. Before I was even completely sure you would exist. I want you to know that I dreamt of you. That you are my dream. That you are perfect in every single way. I know this, even though you aren't here yet. I want you to know that it was worth it. That you are worth it. Always.