Here we go again

New meds arrived yesterday. One starts next week for about 9 days (almost everything on the timeline is tentative, pending blood work or testing), then I switch to the ones we've used before. Doc is changing the way they stimulate my ovaries this time, hopefully it goes better now.

Incase you were wondering, this is what several thousand dollars of medication looks like. Special thanks to PA for being one of the only holdouts around here (while only 15 U.S. states require employers to carry some sort of infertility treatment coverage, most of the states that touch PA do including NY, NJ, OH, WV, MD). Infertility awareness week is coming in April, so I'll save some snark for that. This is just a brief intro...

Nope.

Round 3 is a bust. The little embryo that maybe could just couldn't. I'm debating going back to work today, but I think I just need the day to deal. I'm finding that each loss gets a little harder because they're compounding. I know what you're thinking, a few years ago I may have thought it too. It was just am embryo. It wasn't even developed enough to be anything yet. But in a way, it was. It's a hope, a dream. For us, every piece we lose is the baby we've been waiting for.

Today, I'll pack up my med "station" so I don't have to look at it, maybe purge a closet, and watch Spy for the 4356th time because if anyone can make me laugh today, it's Melissa McCarthy.

Doc wants to change up some meds for next round. In about 3-4 weeks we'll be at it again. Stay tuned...

Holding out hope

Today is supposed to be transfer day. Wednesday evening was our retrieval. They only collected 5 eggs this time and of those five, just 2 fertilized. The Dr expected that 3 would have, but that was a minor bump. Friday, only one had developed, but there was still time for the other one since they started later in the day than the other embryos there, but they all get checked at the same time in the morning. We waited this weekend and got a call this morning. Definitely down to 1, but it's not where it needs to be to transfer. So we need to wait one more day. Either it's behind, or it's done growing. Tomorrow we will know.

This has been the longest cycle so far. We went 15 days of meds, up from the 12 last time. I know usually 3 days isn't a lot, but this was. The medication is so expensive and we kept having to order more. My skin started to really hurt with the injections. I keep hoping that the wait is worth it, but I fear that this longest cycle is a bust. The longer we go, the more difficult it becomes to be hopeful and positive. We just need this one little embryo to be strong and keep growing.

I've always been pretty good at rolling with the punches. Changing plans has never bothered me. I can get back up after I've been knocked down. But being a mom was never a plan I thought I'd have to adjust. I feel like it's getting harder to get back up after these blows. There are still so many what ifs, and one of them still ends with the embryo being transferred tomorrow. So, for today, we just wait and hope...