Lost the battle...

...but we haven't lost the war.

So, last Wednesday we learned the heart had stopped. Luckily, they were able to do a procedure on Friday that removed the tissue (and yes, I know that might sound a little cold, but when I describe it differently, I can't hold it together). We had the option to wait to see whether it would resolve, but I couldn't bear the thought of physically miscarrying. Plus, with the procedure they can run tests to make sure it was in fact a freak chromosomal issue and terribly bad luck.

We join the one on four who have lost a child right in the middle of the month that Facebook says is to remember and raise awareness. This is both convenient and inconvenient. The first, because I know there's this sisterhood who understands my grief and will share and comfort. The second, because I can't get on social media without being reminded. For me, this is a fresh wound that keeps getting opened.

I'm trying so hard to be ok. The truth is that even though I never got to feel movement, or look like I was carrying, or hear the heart or see the little parts on an ultrasound, I had just enough time to get excited for all of those things. Just enough time to start thinking about what it was going to be like to finally hold our baby. Just enough time to wonder if it would have my blue eyes or hubby's quick wit. Just enough time to be overjoyed at the idea of being a parent.

We will move forward and transfer the other embryo on deck when my body is ready. And I will be guardedly optimistic and terrified. And my heart will always hurt a little. That's the thing about battles - win or lose, you leave a little piece of yourself behind after each fight and you are never the same.

What Infertility Did (is doing) to my Marriage

I started writing this post a few weeks ago after being part of an amazing wedding celebration for a very close friend.  At the wedding, I had a chance to catch up with some friends who I miss dearly, but had moved away after college while we stayed put.  Between the wedding and the catching up, I started to think a lot about my husband and where we were in our marriage.

Today is our wedding anniversary.  We have been married for 4 years.  One month from today is our dating anniversary: this year marks 12 years together.  I was 19 when we met.  Looking back, I was just a kid but I felt very much like an adult.  I always loved that we could go to the same place, say a party (What? In college?? Never ;) ), and not have to stay glued at the hip.  We still did things together, but we never lost our individuality.  Even today he has guy weekends, I have my girl time and this works so well for us.  He is my best friend, but you will always need your girlfriends.
**Note to all the girls who think they get along better with men (as I said many times as a younger woman): YOU WILL ALWAYS NEED GOOD GIRLFRIENDS.  This only gets truer with age.**

Now after almost 12 years, we find ourselves in this nightmare.  I believe that there are major life events that test your strength as a couple.  Events that will make or break you.  Losing a job, losing a loved one, a big move, infertility, losing a child....the list goes on and on.  Over 12 years, we have buried 2 grandparents, one parent, had a few surgeries, infertility issues, and now we are experiencing our first (and hopefully last) miscarriage.

When we started getting our results back from all of the testing and discovered the problem, I thought he should leave.  I didn't think that it was fair to him to possibly not have a family because of me.  He had the perfect out.  He wouldn't go.  Instead, he has gone with me to every appointment (well, except for some of the monitoring...nothing happened at those appointments except for me getting stuck with a needle and an ultrasound wand), helped give me the shots at the right times, and made sure I had what I needed both physically and emotionally.  He lifted things when I couldn't, changed the cat litter when I wasn't supposed to touch it, and let me cry when I needed to be sad.  All without complaint.  Now, we move forward.  Though I am still struggling with my emotions over this miscarriage, he has moved to the acceptance phase and is ready for round 2.  He understands where I am and is offering me incredible support.  He gets that we are different, that we feel differently, and he is giving me what I need to get through.  All of this at the expense of his needs sometimes.  Ok, pretty frequently right now, if we're being honest.

When we got married, I didn't think anything would change.  By then, we had already spent 8 years together, bought a house and filled it with fur-babies, so what difference would a marriage license make?  The truth is, getting married really made us a team.  We were a little nicer to each other, too...so we did actually enjoy a 'honeymoon' period!  Don't get me wrong, we argue sometimes.  Mostly about little, stupid things.  We still make bad decisions sometimes and we trudge through the consequences together.  We still get mad, but we get over it.

Life isn't perfect.  It's filled with curveballs and general suck-titude sometimes.  But it's also beautiful and so much better when you have someone who will share in your victories and defeats.  Never in a million years when we were making out in a fraternity basement could I possibly have imagined what we would have, or what we would build, together.  He is my other half, my soulmate, my partner, and my best friend.  Infertility has strengthened my marriage.  It has solidified our bond and really given us a chance to show the world what we can do together.  It has given us perspective, and made the little, stupid things we used to argue about so insignificant.  It has pushed us closer together, not further apart.  If there is a silver lining to this storm cloud, that is certainly it.  Happy Anniversary to the love of my life <3

Back to the drawing board...

Today, there was no heartbeat.  So, that's it.  Round 1 done.  We have one more embryo in the deep freeze, so in a few weeks, we can start over.  Well, not exactly start over, but get ready to transfer the last embryo.  We have to decide whether we want to proceed with a D&C to officially remove the tissue or give it a few days to see whether it 'resolves itself'.  I want to proceed with a D&C.  I feel like I've already waited long enough for an answer I knew was coming.  I've been grieving for about a week and a half, I don't think I can wait for this to happen on its own, and start grieving all over again when it does.

I am sad.  I knew that this was probably coming, but I can't stop being sad that it happened.  I thought that the last week and a half of knowing this was coming was adequate to prepare, but I'm not so sure you can prepare for this.  I did the research.  I knew the odds.  But this is not a time for logic or reasoning.  It's emotional and raw and it hurts.  Apparently, at this stage it's almost certainly chromosomal.  This means that there's nothing we could have done to prevent this from happening.  Not that this is really helpful information, but at least there's that. 

Limbo. Not the fun kind.

We're still in limbo. There was no change today. Since there is still a heartbeat, there is still a chance. It's a small chance, but a chance nonetheless.

We check in again Wednesday.

What to wear?

If you know me, you'll know this is silly. I don't have a closet full of clothes that are remotely fashionable. I don't buy it if it isn't clearanced or deeply discounted, so you will rarely see me in the most current trends. My job doesn't really allow for dressing too nicely and when I'm not working, I'm all about watching tv, reading a book, or baking in my sweatpants.

But for some reason, I've been taking my procedures seriously in the clothing department. First was the egg retrieval. I wore my favorite yoga pants (that I definitely got off the clearance rack at Target) and my favorite t-shirt - one I bought as part of a fundraiser for the pit bull rescue pitties.love.peace (favorite because of the content, color, and softness!). I decided on this outfit because I wanted to be comfortable because I knew I'd be sore and groggy from the anesthesia.

Then, there was the transfer. Here comes the silly part. When I got up that morning, I giggled as I thought to myself,  "what should I wear to get pregnant?" So, obviously, I dressed like I was going on a somewhat casual date: nice jeans, cute top, and wedge heels. When I left there, I was so uncomfortable for the 1.5-2 hour drive home I wished I was in sweats!

Tonight I'm thinking about what I will wear tomorrow. What is the appropriate attire to find out whether your pregnancy will continue? Do I want to be comfortable? Should I be a little uncomfortable? Does it really matter anyway?

At work, you're supposed to dress for the job you want, not the one you have. Gosh, wouldn't it be easy if wearing maternity clothes willed it to be so?