Why I don't have a fun IVF photo with all the needles from the shots...

I see these a lot and I often think that I wish I had one. It's such a clever way to show all the love, pain, and especially perseverance that goes into the IVF process.  But I will never have one.  I didn't save these things.  We received our prescriptions in the mail.  A huge, crazy expensive box of medications and syringes.  In that box came a red, plastic sharps bin for the used needles.   Every night, at 7pm, I would go upstairs, measure the injections and stab my belly.  A few days there were mornings, too.  And a few were the "butt" shots that hubster did (intramuscular rather than subcutaneous - so muscle not fat - and they were bigger).  I truly hope I never forget these things because all of these memories, the ups and the downs, are important to our adventure and brought our little girl into the world.  But I will not be able to commemorate it.  Because each time the medication cycle was over, I took my little red, plastic sharps bin to our next step.  My little way of symbolizing the end of the round.  When the rounds failed, I packed away everything else and got ready to start fresh.  While I still carried the grief as it compounded, I chose not to carry any tangible evidence of it.  So when my new box came, I'd set up my station again, a new start, until I was able to turn in the last sharps bin.  Someday, I may get another red, plastic bin and I'm sure I'll turn that one in when it's done, too.  But the count?  It's 166.  All the injections, the blood work...166 needles to equal one perfect little girl.  And I would have taken a thousand more.

What a difference a year makes...

Written 5/11/17

Facebook is exciting right now.  2 weeks ago, I was reminded of our transfer day.  Today, it's been one year since we received our first positive pregnancy test.  It's so easy to forget how long this road was when I look at her sweet, chubby-cheeked face.  We don't have any of those creative photos with all the spent needles and vials of meds.  I love the idea, but for me, those empties went after every failed cycle.  I dropped of my little red plastic medical waste bin after every cycle, like a symbol that the cycle was over and it was time to move forward.  Like closing that chapter and looking forward to the new one.  Of course, with her cycle, it was looking forward to her.

She's nearly 4 months old.  She's perfect. Ok, she's not a great eater, struggles to stay asleep by herself, and although she's not *supposed* to have the cognitive development to correlate cause and effect, I swear she does...namely, I cry and Mom picks me up (so I cry so Mom picks me up).  But she's perfect. I can't promise that I won't ever feel like throwing my hands up (like say when she's a three-nager throwing a tantrum because I've cut up her apple the way I always cut up her apple, which is particularly offending for some unknown reason on this particular day...), but I won't ever take her for granted. Some days, it's hard.  Breastfeeding is hard.  Finding child care is hard.  Scheduling, finding time to pump, pumping enough for her to eat, eating what I'm supposed to eat...and worst of all, leaving her to go to work.  I always thought I'd be a career woman, but now, I would quit in a second if it were really a possibility.  My only saving grace right now is that she loves the sitter's and doesn't really notice when I leave.  There are still days I cry when I drop her off.  Like every mom does, I feel guilty like I'm not giving enough to her and I'm not giving enough to work, or to friends, or the hubby, the dogs, the housework, the schoolwork...there are so many things and just one me.

SHE'S HERE!

Today was a roller coaster, again. I went in for an ultrasound and non stress test and was sent straight to the hospital. My amniotic fluid was really low, so they said baby comes today. While being induced, my water broke, leaving even less fluid. Then, she must have pinched the cord - 3 nurses came rushing in because her heart rate slowed a lot. I got oxygen, and got rolled around to get things back to normal, which we did, but the midwife came in to talk about what's next. The Dr put c-section on the table. With the extremely low fluid, there was a good chance her HR would dip again and if they couldn't get it back up, then it would mean an emergency c-section. That made me nervous because of all the scar tissue I have; I discussed with the Dr before and while it was totally doable, it was going to be a(nother) significant surgery. I wanted to avoid the emergency bit, and also was panicked about her safety, so we decided to schedule the surgery. They had to cut out my original scar, that is vertical down my belly. It took an hour to get her out and me put back together (most of which was putting me back together!). It's going to be one hell of a recovery, but she is here and safe and perfect.

Truthfully, I'm still disappointed because I feel like my body failed me again. I just thought labor and delivery would be easy for me, but that was out of my control. I think that this defeat is a feeling I will always have: not being able to get pregnant on my own and then not being able to deliver vaginally. I'll never really know whether it was the right decision, but now I've got SIDS to worry about lol

Still waiting..

Scarlett still has yet to make her debut. Everything is good, she's apparently just not ready yet. Too bad because it's actually kind of warm for January in PA - over 40° at 10am! Tomorrow I check in again at the Dr's office to make sure she is still getting everything she needs. The testing is going to last about half the day, so I figure she'll at least wait until after all that ;)

Baby Watch 2017

Just days until the due date, no baby yet. The midwife thinks she'll be close to 8lbs. It's funny because everyone thinks she's small because of how I'm carrying, but she's got some pretty big moves! Another check in tomorrow, hopefully we're getting close. But she can wait until Friday, it's the 13th of course, and a 3 day weekend so daddy can hang out a little longer :) (he's taking his time after mine runs out)

Holidays

I tend to take on more than I can handle.  I mean, I handle it, but not without consequence.  I end up constantly prioritizing, which means writing is way after school and work and dishes and laundry and the hubbs and the list goes on and on.  I stopped piano lessons because with classes starting back up, I knew I had to make a choice.  I still sit at the piano now and then to play a song so I don't forget, but I didn't have the time to commit to it.  Quitting school is out of the question.  First, I'm halfway through the MBA program and second, my daughter is going to learn things from me, like following through, so I have to be that example for her.

My classes are done (an A- and an A, thank-you-very-much), I have a week off of work with the hubbs, and baby will be here so soon I can't believe it.  At 37 weeks I actually don't look that big (I have wide hips, I'm carrying wide apparently) but I feel all of those 37 weeks everywhere.  My joints hurt, my fingers occasionally tingle (oh hey carpal tunnel), my back hurts, I get heartburn and/or nausea every time I eat, I can't bend without feeling like I'm going to vomit, and I get beat up pretty good on the inside.  Mostly my bladder and this one nerve that sends a shooting pain down to my, um, lady parts.  She's a pretty good shot there.  She has also gotten pretty comfy right around my most recent scar from having my gall bladder out, and it doesn't seem to be stretching as well as the rest of me because man, does that ever hurt when she kicks there.  I've had a dream pregnancy so far, and truly this part is no exception.  I know others have it an awful lot worse, and honestly I'm still grateful just to be able to hurt like this.  It would be nice to sleep a little though.  Just a bit.

I got to meet the lactation consultant and tour the hospital.  And I subsequently burst into tears there.  I just couldn't help but think about where I was this time last year, when I wasn't completely sold that I was going to be touring the maternity ward.  Also, hormones.  But it was great, the staff seems wonderful and the rooms aren't too shabby.  I had what is most probably my last day on the road until I come back to work, for which I'm so relieved since being out on your own is a bit nerve wracking so close to due date (for me and my boss! Haha).  And the baby's room is pretty well done.  We refinished a dresser and of course the drawer pulls we chose are currently out of stock, but it's functional and she won't know they aren't there so we're going to stick it out until they come in.  This week, I'll be doing all the things that keep running through my head: packing for the hospital, loading up the car seat, meeting a potential day care provider, figuring out pediatrician, pre-registering at the hospital, and the 15 million other things I'll only remember as I'm knee deep in another project.  I'm looking forward to having this time to "nest".

Unfortunately between the excitement, anxiety, and the horomones, I'm just not feeling very holly jolly this year.  We got a tree up, actually 2 of them, the wreath is on the door, and the stockings were hung with care and all that.  Maybe it's another year of unusually warm temperatures (it's 1230am and it's 43 degrees...Heatmiser, take your nonsense elsewhere), or not really having the funds to go all out on gift giving, but this last Christmas with no kids is kind of a bummer.  Of course, that could very well be the exact issue.  Children bring magic to Christmas.  Yes, it's a lot more work.  I mean, we're really just phoning it in here this year, going through the motions.  The stockings are empty and there is nothing under the tree (we decided no gifts for us this year with baby coming so soon).  We're enjoying the lights of course, but there's something missing.  She's on her way, but I honestly thought we'd enjoy the last Christmas before her a little more.  The reality is that without the magic and wonder, it just feels like work.  I know being a parent at Christmas is no small task either, but getting to see the joy in their little faces must make it all worthwhile.  This year, I'll keep trying to find my spirit, but look out next year.  Next year, Santa is DEFINITELY coming to town 🎄

32 Weeks

Today we are 32 weeks along.  She has hair, all of her organs are in place, all her fingers and toes, she moves like crazy, and her face is still a mystery since she covers it with her hands every time we try to see.  According to the baby apps and emails, her skin is no longer translucent, she can suck her thumb, and she can see light if it comes through my skin.  Which we tested and she does NOT like haha.

We're up to doctor visits every 2 weeks, our next one Monday.  They'll push around, figure out where she is and how she's positioned, she'll move because she does not like to be poked or prodded, and we'll all have a good laugh.

My feet hurt, my ankles are now cankles, my back hurts, I can't find a comfortable sleeping position, I have heartburn anytime I eat anything, my balance is off, I'm a little more emotional than normal, I can't catch my breath, and I have the most bizarre dreams.  Still love every second.

We are nearly finished with her dresser remodel, her room is painted and the crib is put together.  I have to wash her clothes, and pack the hospital bag because this is happening so much sooner than it seems.  I am overwhelmed in the best possible way.  There is so much to do and to consider, but the reality is that as long as she has some clothes (because January is cold), a place to sleep, and my milk comes in, we're good.  We can fill in the rest as we go.  She'll be too young to notice silly things like whether the curtains were hung in time.

The reality is that Momma is still working so hard to make sure she has a good life, and that doesn't leave a lot of time for hanging up pictures.  I did drop piano, for now, because classes started back up again and something had to give.  Work is busy; we are short on staff and not short on work.  Don't worry, I don't overdo it...most days...there is no point in getting stressed because then they'll just put me on bed rest and that will stress me out more!  Classes are tough.  The online program is abbreviated; each course is only half a semester long, but is a full semester of work.  Most of the weekend is typically devoted to schoolwork, as most of the week is devoted to work.  I thought about taking a break from school, but I'm worried if I walk away now, I won't finish.  I'm half way through the MBA program, there are 5 courses left.  And now I'm going to be an example.  So I will finish.  My current course runs through the beginning of December, then I scheduled my next course for the second half of the spring semester, which will begin in March.  That will give me a small break to get settled into a new routine with little one.

We are probably going to spend the holidays this year on baby prep (and homework).  Not that we don't want to see our family, but travel is getting more difficult for me and I don't think I have the energy for entertaining right now.  Also, she's due so close to the holidays, that I'm sure we'll be having plenty of company just after.  So this year, we're just going to enjoy the last year of just us...and the last bit of quiet we'll have around here :)