..is almost over. Tomorrow is my test. I feel like I should know, but that is silly. It's been a difficult 2 weeks to say the least. I'm anxious, excited, nervous...I have butterflies. Seriously, butterflies. I know that if tomorrow doesn't have in store what I hope it does, we will be back at it. I am happy to be writing and sharing. I missed writing. I find it therapeutic. And being able to share this experience with the amazing people in my life, and maybe some who I've never met but are along for my ride, is special to me. I like to think that I'm an open book, but never have I felt so vulnerable and exposed. I think at some point, we must allow ourselves some vulnerability. So here are some of the thoughts that are consuming me, and stealing my sleep, on this night full of anticipation.
I think a lot about what I want my child to know, or not know, about this experience. What I will say, how I will feel. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to them already..
What won't I tell you? I don't want you to know it hurt sometimes. I don't want you to know I cried a lot. I don't want you to know about the sleepless nights. Or the hopelessness that inevitably creeped up. Or the feeling of being cheated out of being normal. I don't want you to know about the money, the time driving back and forth, the poking, the prodding, the bruising.
So what's left? I want you to know that you were wanted. You were wanted so fiercely that I would have gladly walked through fire if it would have helped. That I would do this a hundred times just to hold you. That you were loved truly, madly, deeply before you even existed. Before I was even completely sure you would exist. I want you to know that I dreamt of you. That you are my dream. That you are perfect in every single way. I know this, even though you aren't here yet. I want you to know that it was worth it. That you are worth it. Always.
This was a beautiful writing. It made me cry. You and Royce are going to be great parents and I pray you get your hopes and dreams. I open this blog almost daily to see if you have written anything. I am trying to support you in this little way. I am here if you need anything or even to talk. There needs to be more openess about these things. Because so many people feel the way you do and are ashamed and should not be. We need to all help each other. I will be waiting for the next post and you are in my thoughts and prayers. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteThis was a beautiful writing. It made me cry. You and Royce are going to be great parents and I pray you get your hopes and dreams. I open this blog almost daily to see if you have written anything. I am trying to support you in this little way. I am here if you need anything or even to talk. There needs to be more openess about these things. Because so many people feel the way you do and are ashamed and should not be. We need to all help each other. I will be waiting for the next post and you are in my thoughts and prayers. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteStill praying
ReplyDelete